hanisa

Ironic isnt it, life. For the past few years, ive watched my girlfriends get caught in a web, tangled with love, hate, betrayal, abuse, hope. Ive watched them try to run away, mentaly and physically. I was there for them, asking them not to give up hope, saying that theres definitely someone better out there, a cherhow to hanisa. And now here I am, at some random block so close yet so far from home, not wanting to go any further in fear that Cherhow will be there waiting for me. He’s not physically abused me in any way, no way, I have a clear boundary for those situations. But in terms of emotional and psychological damage, I guess im not sure when is too much.

Ever since I came back from Africa, issues on my weight started arising. Yes, I gained a few kg whilst I was there cause I stuffed myself silly. And upon my arrival back home, the weight piled on as I gorged down the awesome local cuisines ive been missing. Plus, a week stay in the hospital, with nothing to do but lie down and consume the endless snacks my beloved friends and family brought for me did not exactly mitigate the weight gain. In total, Ive gained 5kg from when I left for Africa.

And the impact it has on my relationship is crystal clear. My relationship is turning so so so horrible. The past 3 nights ive been crying myself to sleep, waking up to a damp pillow and wetting it further.

Fuck lights at the stairway below turned off. This place is starting to get abit creepy.

I’ve never felt so horrible in my life. Ive never felt so fat or ugly. Ive never felt so unworthy. The little bits of daily insults over the course of our 5 year relationship has gotten to me. Calling me fat, ugly, useless, stupid, its started being a part of me. Ive actually started believing that shit. But amidst all the insults and feeling so terribly low about myself, I grew more attached to cherhow cause he was willing to be with me, and love me, regardless of all my negative qualities. He became the fence, and me the spineless grapevine. This I could live with.

With my increasing weight gain, in my eyes, cherhow has responded by stepping up his efforts to convince me of striving for weight loss. Hes asked me to diet, hes asked me to jog, hes asked me to gym. Hes asked me “are u sure u should be eating that chocolate bar?”. Ive reached my breaking point. He’s officially made me feel like the most undeserving toad on the face of this planet.

He brought up the issue today while we were eating supper, in hopes of being honest and working on a solution. I appreciate that.

He explained that hes a visual sort of guy, hes been influenced by the society to go for looks, for figure. And he cant change that. However, he sees 2 aspects to a relationship, the physical and the emotional. According to him, even if there is no more physical attraction, a relationship can stold hold if the emotions are still strong.

As for me, I don’t give a flying fuck about a persons physical appearance. Cherhow can be on a wheelchair with one eye, and Ill love him just as much. During courtship, he was overweight with so much fat tummy it became my substitute cushion. Hes got severely crooked teeth and hes a little shorter than me. Now hes lost a ton of weight and is building quite an impressive amount of arm muscles. But I am attracted to cherhow now as equally as I did during courtship.

If I had thought like cherhow, if I had based my attraction on a persons looks, cherhow and I would never have gotten together. During the first couple of months, my friends kept asking me “why cherhow of all people”. Some even termed us the most mismatched couple. I could see how he may lack visual appeal, but it never affected the attraction I had for him.

Naively I thought cherhow held the same principles of attraction as I did. Should have figured, from the moment he told me he’s into legs. Should have fucking known hes that sorta guy, fuck.

I asked him to change. To no longer impose the ideal body image on me. He said he cant, its how he was brought up. I said its unfair, cause hes mentality would have caused us to miss out on this otherwise perfect relationship, had I followed it.

Now coupled with my rock bottom self esteem and his cold hard truth, all I got from it was “We are gonna break up sooner or later, when u cant turn me on.” How the fuck was I gonna stay there at the coffee shop and have my world just crumble apart? So I got up and left, and he self destructed.

Cherhow threw my laptop to the floor. Fuck.

I asked if I balloon up now would he break up with me. He responded with “no, I dunno, maybe, depends how much”. Fuck.

He was walking ahead so I ran off to another route and now here I am, sitting at my stairwell with my phone switched off, feeling like how my girlfriends felt when they were forced to a corner.

I DON’T want a breakup. God I thought I could marry this guy. But I know myself. I know my race, I know my bone structure. I know unless I put in way more effort than average people, I will soon balloon up. Ive got relatives who were stick thin when they were younger, “skinnier than you” they boast, but now they are nowhere near attractive. All the sneers cherhow gave to fat passer bys, soon its gonna be directed at me. In fact its already begun. I cant live through this.

Before I end off, please be aware that this is my side of the story. Theres 2 sides to a coin, cherhow may not be the superficial asshole I portray him to be in this post created while my emotions run high.

I seriously don't understand why people place such deep meanings and interpretations on what happens in Facebook.

Cherhow once thought I never wanted to have anything to do with him cause I deleted him off Facebook. And that completely shook the relationship for a while.

And now, my mum thinks she's been completely kicked out from my life and that I don't love her and I deem her dead to me, all cause she's not part of my Facebook for friends account. Even though I created a family account just to add my family members and she is part of that one, she still feels like she is neglected.

Mygod Facebook is just a social network. I hate how people attach such deep meanings into such petty little things. My HUMAN relations with a person may be going fine and just cause of one tiny action on the Internet, the relationship is on the rocks. How pathetic.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Hi. Emo post along the way.

So cherhow is Chinese and I am Malay. And so far the rs has only involved the 2 of us. But as we get more serious, the rs includes more people. It includes our family, our friends, our race, our religion.

My family is not a traditional Malay family. We are purely English speaking, and we don't follow customs and traditions very strictly. In a way we are more westernized I guess. We still hold the need for ryespect for the elders, filial piety and so on so forth. But it's just not by the books.

Cherhows family is a Singaporean Chinese family. I have not encountered many Chinese families, so I can't tell where they stand in terms of tradition. They speak in mandarin and hokkien. And of course, the hold fast to their customs.

These few months I've learnt quite alot from my friends about the expectation of a girlfriend in Chinese families. Like I'm supposed to help cook and clean and be a maid. But thankfully, cherhows family has a maid so I din do much wrong there.

And now I know that I'm not supposed to wear red at a Chinese funeral. Learnt from mistakes this one, I was clueless so my first Chinese funeral I came with a huge red bag which I confidently placed on the table when I arrived. Truly a fml moment.

But everytime I realize I need to conform to his tradition, I think I die a little inside. I just feel so bitter and miserable.

Maybe it's because I'm not someone who follows the rules, even in my own family. And now the need to suck up to his is affecting me. I mean, my parents raised me since birth, I love them like no other, yet I don't follow what they expect of me. And now I'm supposed to follow the expectations of another set of parents strictly although they only came into my life erm a year ago?

And we are raised so differently. Yst his parents complained to him that when I go over, I just say a simple "Hello" and not "Hello aunty, hello uncle". And I really took that to heart. Because the way I was raised, hello is more than suffice.

If cherhow were to come over and just greet my parents with hello, nothing would be amiss. It's nothing abnormal, nothing rude, nothing to pinpoint. In fact, it would mean that he's being friendly instead of being polite, which in my family would be more real and more treasured.

But again, I can't change anything. It's a Chinese custom ( confirmed by Jolene) and I just gotta live with it if I want the rs to go on.

What I did not like though, was cherhows frustration when I seemed unwilling to get used to greeting his parents the way they want me to. He was like, "is it that difficult for u to just greet them?". It really doesn't help that he expects me to just jump into their culture. I don't want to.

This is only the beginning. There's gonna be lots more compromises that needs to be done, lots more misunderstandings, unhappiness and bitterness along the way. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can't turn back now.

I don't think cherhow will have as much trouble as me in trying to fit into the family, cause my family is not a demanding one. Ok my mum is, definitely. And that's the biggest challenge he would need to overcome.

But he's lucky in the sense that he doesn't have to change his inny gritty habits of his life. I had to fucking pick up a new language to not be so lost when I eat out with his family. And the last time I asked him to learn mine, he was totally against it, cause he said it won't be of use. :(

I'm sore. I'm very very sore about this. The whole culture differences, the need to change, the feeling of unequal efforts being invested.

If someone asked me if it's worthit, I'd say yes. Cause I'm in love.

If someone asked me if I wished cherhow was a malay, I'd scream yes. Cause things would be so much simpler.

I just wish there was an idiots guide to how to be a girlfriend in a chinese family. (and still hold fast to your own beliefs)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.