[info]hanisa


Reminiscence

wahurhur.. evil thoughts.


Just the typical camwhore post
[info]hanisa
picture heavy.

how i look tonight. 28 april



9 more pictures of me :) )

i logged into my photobucket account today to upload my photobooth pictures. Ive started to camwhore ever since I reformatted my macbookpro since the disk was corrupt. A macbookpro without hundreds of photobooth camwhore pictures just don't feel right. So im slowly building my self shot photo empire.

Leopard prints are a love of mine right now. My outfit always consist of at least 1 leopard printed apparel, underwear included. My obsession has got to stop soon, i realized on my last week of lessons, 4 out of 4 days at school I was donning a leopard print top/dress! kyaba too much! Well that should change when I go on my shopping spree in Bangkok! Keline woo please refrain me from buying anything leopard printed.

I feel that the skin on my face is aging and drying and wrinkling at an alarming rate! seriously, after using Oxy10 since i keep having pimple breakouts, my facial skin has become so dry and scaly. Moisturizer has never been a good friend for my face cause it produces pimples. I guess moist skin is mutually independent to a pimple free face. 

Ive 2 more papers till im officially on summer break! :) Ive an elective on the social repercussions of man and machines on wednesday, and channel distributions on thursday, then i'm done!! Unfortunately and damn anti climax-ly, i've got tuition the night my exams officially end. Ive asked my tuttee to shift our tuition forward, praying she agrees! Cause if she does, my travel buddies (Zara and Hana) and I plan to drive to Malaysia for a sumptuous seafood dinner! And and and, the day after my last paper, I'm going to Batam for a short getaway with my MIE coursemates! Whoop Whoop! Getting 2 chops in my passport in 2 days hahaha!

My bodyclock is officially screwed. Its 3.45am now but it feels like 3.45pm. My night has become day and vice versa. I stayed up the whole night, and only slept at 2pm all the way to 7pm. so now i cant sleep again. Shall try pull myself from the computer and study. after 9gag. hehe bye!

Life as of April 21st, 2012
[info]hanisa
im not sure what im really feeling for cherhow right now. Our relationship has bore down to its bare essentials, no more text/calls before going to bed or when either of us wakes up, no more "i love you"s, pretty much no more anything. Our daily contact is usually him calling me to ask me if im coming over to study, and if so, what time. if no, then we hang up and continue our lives, without interference of the partner. 

the past 2 nights of my insomnia gave us an opportunity to actually talk, and well as usual we debated about world issues. 

So this is it. thats my relationship. we don't talk, and when we do, we have sub-intellectual conversations.

Well thats our relationship when we are apart. And no complaints here, i'm loving the space i'm receiving. When we are together, im still as smitten and happy as ever. I'm wondering if this is normal? 

Anyway, exams are coming up and i'm pretty excited to get it over and done with. Year 2 sem 2 will be over soon, and I shall be embracing final year of college. Looking forward to putting a temporary halt to my education and immerse myself in the working world, yet at the same time im worried i might not even be able to get a job! Especially since the job I have in mind is really quite selective. Nonetheless, I'm quite certain ill be enjoying the hurdles as i try penetrating into the market.

I just booked tickets to bangkok and phuket on a whim, since there was a speed deal. And im the biggest sucker for discounts. looking forward to leaving my little sunny island again, though i doubt going to thailand would even remotely fill my desire for a holiday. I wanna go to another continent. but then again, we cant always get what we want. Cant wait to go bangkok shopping with my bestfriend!! I may also be going to bintan in like 2 weeks? We will see how that one goes. 

This post is awkward. and the reason why its awkward is because ive really nothing to say, im forcing the content. Which i guess is what im feeling right now, at this point of my life. I started this post hoping by writing, I would be able to sort out my thoughts and feel, and somehow make sense of where im heading or what im actually thinking. But nah, just goes to show im just not thinking. Really feel kinda lost right now, in relation to my direction in life. I know im still young and all, but im eager to start early. Though right now, im not sure what im eager in starting.



Reason for my sour yogurt and sweet grapes dinner.
[info]hanisa

Ironic isnt it, life. For the past few years, ive watched my girlfriends get caught in a web, tangled with love, hate, betrayal, abuse, hope. Ive watched them try to run away, mentaly and physically. I was there for them, asking them not to give up hope, saying that theres definitely someone better out there, a cherhow to hanisa. And now here I am, at some random block so close yet so far from home, not wanting to go any further in fear that Cherhow will be there waiting for me. He’s not physically abused me in any way, no way, I have a clear boundary for those situations. But in terms of emotional and psychological damage, I guess im not sure when is too much.

Ever since I came back from Africa, issues on my weight started arising. Yes, I gained a few kg whilst I was there cause I stuffed myself silly. And upon my arrival back home, the weight piled on as I gorged down the awesome local cuisines ive been missing. Plus, a week stay in the hospital, with nothing to do but lie down and consume the endless snacks my beloved friends and family brought for me did not exactly mitigate the weight gain. In total, Ive gained 5kg from when I left for Africa.

And the impact it has on my relationship is crystal clear. My relationship is turning so so so horrible. The past 3 nights ive been crying myself to sleep, waking up to a damp pillow and wetting it further.

Fuck lights at the stairway below turned off. This place is starting to get abit creepy.

I’ve never felt so horrible in my life. Ive never felt so fat or ugly. Ive never felt so unworthy. The little bits of daily insults over the course of our 5 year relationship has gotten to me. Calling me fat, ugly, useless, stupid, its started being a part of me. Ive actually started believing that shit. But amidst all the insults and feeling so terribly low about myself, I grew more attached to cherhow cause he was willing to be with me, and love me, regardless of all my negative qualities. He became the fence, and me the spineless grapevine. This I could live with.

With my increasing weight gain, in my eyes, cherhow has responded by stepping up his efforts to convince me of striving for weight loss. Hes asked me to diet, hes asked me to jog, hes asked me to gym. Hes asked me “are u sure u should be eating that chocolate bar?”. Ive reached my breaking point. He’s officially made me feel like the most undeserving toad on the face of this planet.

He brought up the issue today while we were eating supper, in hopes of being honest and working on a solution. I appreciate that.

He explained that hes a visual sort of guy, hes been influenced by the society to go for looks, for figure. And he cant change that. However, he sees 2 aspects to a relationship, the physical and the emotional. According to him, even if there is no more physical attraction, a relationship can stold hold if the emotions are still strong.

As for me, I don’t give a flying fuck about a persons physical appearance. Cherhow can be on a wheelchair with one eye, and Ill love him just as much. During courtship, he was overweight with so much fat tummy it became my substitute cushion. Hes got severely crooked teeth and hes a little shorter than me. Now hes lost a ton of weight and is building quite an impressive amount of arm muscles. But I am attracted to cherhow now as equally as I did during courtship.

If I had thought like cherhow, if I had based my attraction on a persons looks, cherhow and I would never have gotten together. During the first couple of months, my friends kept asking me “why cherhow of all people”. Some even termed us the most mismatched couple. I could see how he may lack visual appeal, but it never affected the attraction I had for him.

Naively I thought cherhow held the same principles of attraction as I did. Should have figured, from the moment he told me he’s into legs. Should have fucking known hes that sorta guy, fuck.

I asked him to change. To no longer impose the ideal body image on me. He said he cant, its how he was brought up. I said its unfair, cause hes mentality would have caused us to miss out on this otherwise perfect relationship, had I followed it.

Now coupled with my rock bottom self esteem and his cold hard truth, all I got from it was “We are gonna break up sooner or later, when u cant turn me on.” How the fuck was I gonna stay there at the coffee shop and have my world just crumble apart? So I got up and left, and he self destructed.

Cherhow threw my laptop to the floor. Fuck.

I asked if I balloon up now would he break up with me. He responded with “no, I dunno, maybe, depends how much”. Fuck.

He was walking ahead so I ran off to another route and now here I am, sitting at my stairwell with my phone switched off, feeling like how my girlfriends felt when they were forced to a corner.

I DON’T want a breakup. God I thought I could marry this guy. But I know myself. I know my race, I know my bone structure. I know unless I put in way more effort than average people, I will soon balloon up. Ive got relatives who were stick thin when they were younger, “skinnier than you” they boast, but now they are nowhere near attractive. All the sneers cherhow gave to fat passer bys, soon its gonna be directed at me. In fact its already begun. I cant live through this.

Before I end off, please be aware that this is my side of the story. Theres 2 sides to a coin, cherhow may not be the superficial asshole I portray him to be in this post created while my emotions run high.


It's JUST Facebook for fucks sake
[info]hanisa

I seriously don't understand why people place such deep meanings and interpretations on what happens in Facebook.

Cherhow once thought I never wanted to have anything to do with him cause I deleted him off Facebook. And that completely shook the relationship for a while.

And now, my mum thinks she's been completely kicked out from my life and that I don't love her and I deem her dead to me, all cause she's not part of my Facebook for friends account. Even though I created a family account just to add my family members and she is part of that one, she still feels like she is neglected.

Mygod Facebook is just a social network. I hate how people attach such deep meanings into such petty little things. My HUMAN relations with a person may be going fine and just cause of one tiny action on the Internet, the relationship is on the rocks. How pathetic.

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staying at home makes me a bitch
[info]hanisa
Its wednesday today. And Ive been home since monday night. which is quite a big deal for me cause im usually home about 12 hours a day. Ill go out at about noon and ill come home past midnight. The only day i do not make plans to go out is on Sunday, and thats cause its family day and its become a family tradition that we visit my grandma, which is technically still going out. 

Ive no idea why but I cant stay home for long. I get easily irritable, suspicious of my family, lazy as hell, i develop headaches and soon i fall sick. feng shui of the house maybe? the stuffiness of the house, the heat? god knows. but ive been home for too long a time and i just need a space to rant!

anyway, i chose to stay at home yst cause i wanted to study, and occasionally i find that i am quite productive at home. yesterday was not one of those times. so i just lay in bed all day watching big bang theory and reading 9gag and rotting on facebook and twitter. and spending quality time with my mummy whom i love very very much. then yst she asked me to sweep the floor and the moment she asked i felt a tinge of regret for deciding to stay home. i did not sweep the floor btw haha. well thats in the afternoon.

at night my siblings came home and the girls in the family ate dinner together which was really nice. this was the time i start getting annoyed with my mum. cause over dinner, she proposed going on a family trip together, but me being as sneaky and cunning as she is, saw through her tricks which completely pissed me off. basically she had a compulsory thing at work(?) and pulling us in would mean putting less effort in completing her job. and i just cannot stand how she twists and turns to get things her way, when she could have been honest from the start!

I love my mum. but she is the sneakiest woman i know. and i get that from her. I find myself plotting and manipulating people to get my way ALL THE TIME, and sometimes it works out for me and sometimes it doesnt. (when it doesnt i dont repent btw, i think of where i went wrong so as to not fail the next time hehe) But rarely do i play this on my own fucking FAMILY. maybe those who i dont feel so close with yeah, but nuclear family. i just dont see the need.

And i keep telling her to be straight forward with me, cause i see through her bullshit and i do not appreciate it at all. but i guess for her, its just part of who she is and how she communicates and i dont think shes capable of changing it. whereas I on the other hand, have come to a realization of who I am becoming (ie her) and have made some efforts to change. 

anyway so yeah the day ended with me being subconsciously annoyed with mum.

and today i woke up to her nagging at me to sweep the floor which pissed the flying fuck out of me. well not so much at the "i need to sweep the floor" part, but the "shes talking to me when im doing my work" part. anyway i completed my work and swept the floor as told, which i found pretty therapeutic to be honest. i like cleaning. i just dont do it very often. well anyway i got even more pissed cause i was thinking, isnt this her job. 

I know im being selfish but seriously!! shes not drawing an income to support the family. housework is her job! its her role in the family dynamics! dont wanna do housework, well than get a proper job, draw a decent salary and work! its not like my mum is not fucking smart, she went to National JC for fucks sake, and at her era, that should be equivalent to a fucking masters. IIIII cant fucking get into NJC, shes smarter than me!

but no she CHOOSES to stay home and take on the role of housewife. well simply but insensitively said, then do ur damn job. similarly to how i am not involved with my dads job, i damn well dont wanna have to be involved in hers. im not trying to throw all cleaning equipment in her face and ask her to deal with it, tho my point is that she does have to deal with it. I dont mind helping her out, as a favour. but favours can be politely declined as well. 

what made me feel like running out of the house tho, was when she started telling me she cant do much cause shes weak. cause when i listen to her, i listen to her intentions and not her actual words, since her words dont mean much anyway. well basically, shes using the pity card which i find pretty repulsive. cause i do not believe my mum is weak. psychologically maybe, but physically, fuck no. 

okay i shall stop ranting cause im starting to feel sorry for her. my mum went down the wrong career path. i feel sad for her cause shes a woman with so much potential, all that brains and manipulation could have been put to so much better use, not even for my family, but for herself. i feel that she feels she lacks so much in her life, particularly in terms of support from the people in her life.  i wish she could be an independent woman who strives on self support alone. i wish she could feel happy and love herself right now.

but that is her journey. the only thing i can do is analyze hers and apply what i have learnt into my own. i love my mum and i wanna be her, but i definitely do not wanna live like her.


OKAY END OF RANT GONNA PACK UP AND FLEE TO CHERHOWS PLACE! 

ps. my mum is manipulative, but shes a nice person!! just in a sneaky fashion. 

eve of Vday with the ex. :) Part 1
[info]hanisa
Have not blogged in 20 years! :)

So this years valentines was a really nice one. It was spent of course with cherhow, who up till now have not clearly defined the status of our relationship. Nevertheless, we spent the last 4 valentines together, odds are we would be spending one more. So I took the liberty of asking him, NOT to be my valentines, but if we are doing anything. In which he said yes. :) so yay!

Started planning our vday 2 weeks ago whilst i was being hospitalized for freaking malaria. and in my case, 2 weeks is a very very VERY short time to plan. I love special events and I usually start planning 2 months ahead, in the least, so that things would be perfect. And IM usually the one to plan, cause well i believe i plan better events than cherhow, no offence. <3 So in the short 2 weeks, we decided to go to Bar & Billiard Room, in Raffles Hotel. Read good reviews about it, and it seems it has become our tradition to dine at a buffet restaurant in a random nice hotel on special days. :) And well thats about all we planned. 

Suggestions on activities after lunch included playing with animals in the SPCA, going to the beach in Sentosa, going for the Singapore River cruise, playing at Snow City, going ice-skating and preparing dinner at his place. But we couldn't agree on a event (this was all my suggestions btw, he just simply rejected them. easy life or what knn), so we decided to be spontaneous. 



1) Asshole wanted to postpone vday till after his exams in like 1.5 months! 
2) he's reaction omg.

Plan was to meet at 10.30am at his place, tho he kept insisting i go over by 9.30 which would never happen. sleep takes priority here. Our lunch reservation was for 11.30. At 10.30, i called him saying im not ready, and told him to just take a cab down to my place to pick me up so we can go straight to the hotel. But he insisted I go over first, so i knew something was up. Slabbed a ton of make-up on my ugly lil face to make it pretty, which worked i guess cause cherhow complimented me! heheh happy. 

Anyway i actually suspected that he cooked vday breakfast for me and as I was on my way over to his place I was so ready to burst in horror and frustration since it wouldnt make sense if we ate before going for a buffet. THANK GOD i was mistaken, apparently i underestimate him.

So i reached his place at 11, and he was still in his home clothes, hair not even styled. Said hello to his gramma, went into his room and literally started jumping for joy! Saw 8 pretty helium pink and purple balloons hehehe and im the biggest sucker for helium balloons.

:)
BALLOONS are just a little piece of heaven on earth, never fail to keep me grinning ear to ear.

So I waited and camwhored as cherhow got dressed for the awesome date ahead. 

Can't stand how vain he is sometimes.

Left home, and the normal cab situation happens. When you don't need a cab, there are tons zooming past. When you are in need of a cab, one measly HIRED cab crawls by every 4 minutes. What's worse, cherhow has this rain cloud constantly following him and whenever he gets his hair done, it always rains. So there we were, 2 pathetic souls waiting 20 minutes for a stupid cab in the drizzle on valentines day.

The annual cab shot.
Reached Raffles Hotel and was surprised by the number of tourists there. Well apparently Raffles Hotel is a tourist destination in Singapore, wonder what history lies in there. Found our way to the Bar and Billiard Room, and it was a lovely ambience. the buffet line was quite impressive, for the starters and salads at least. Got a tour around the buffet tables, and we were seated in a cosy little corner. It was a nice seat, except that it was near the napkin bin so occasionally a waiter would dump the used napkins in, though it was well camouflaged as just a normal furniture piece. The place has this old historic yet grand feel to it which i completely got lost in. loved it.

We started with, of course, the starters. No pictures of these, but they were for me, the main attraction of the entire buffet. Cherhow would disagree cause hes just retarded that way. They had a wide assortment of bread and cheese, including my occasional craving of blue cheese! Omg i just went there yst and ive already forgotten about the food! Well for starters, my favourite were the cheese, raw tuna, tuna on bread, prawn salad, ham pie (took out the ham lol!), oh and salmon with avocado! omg yum yum! Prawns in this restaurant, simply amazing. Im allergic to too much prawns and I couldnt help stuffing myself with them!

The mains were the most disappointing, the lasagna, baked potatoes, chicken and cream fish were mediocre. what was good tho, were their curries. 2 different types, one of which is yoghurt. both tasted fantastic. it was rich and flavourful, and im not even a fan of curry.

The oysters were literally the best we ever tasted. Maybe it was the freshness? This was our third time eating oysters and the previous 2 were really sucky. This one on the other hand, got me wanting to slurp down more! Texture and taste, superb.

Went on to the deserts, and they were really good. Well, some of them were. Cheesecake was a little above average, but I would have expected richer from this place. Tiramisu is to die for. Fudge cake was okay, chocolate cake was disappointing. Fudges were not that great. cupcake was sweet, but nothing too special. Creme brulee was good! Bread and butter pudding was good, but for something they called their specialty, i expected more. Okay someone slap me and my high expectations to heaven please.

Paid the bill which came up to only $140! thats like 70 bucks each, and for raffles hotel buffet, this is totally affordable. Would totally recommend this place for future dates and special event celebrations! :)

Check out how beautiful the restaurant is.


its called bar and billiard room, so theres obviously a bar, and a billiard room. We did not play though.


<3

Was a nice lunch date. I completely enjoyed myself.


I've got to go meet up with B's now for our valentines date at playnation! EXCITED!! <3

not a victim, just a choice.
[info]hanisa
So after 4 orgasmic years with cherhow, we have ended the relationship. Not because of quarrels, a clash of personality, a cheating incident or anything hostile. We broke up because its the best for both families. 

The situation is simple. Im Muslim, he's not. For my mum to give us her blessing, he needs to convert. If he doesn't, i most probably would have lost my mum, along with all extended relatives on her side. Cherhow on the other hand, has a dad who is very against his son converting. In order for us to gain his blessing, he must not convert. If he does, he most probably would have lost his dad. Its a tug-o-war game between both beliefs.

Ive received so many comments saying that its such a pity religion broke us up. And up until today i thought so too, that cherhow and i fell victim to interracial complications and religious discriminations. But i woke up this morning thinking that its not religion at fault.

So what if we have opposing religions. WE made the choice to break up and not go through the complications. noone is falling victim to anything.

In the seemingly hopeless situation we face, we still do have choices. we can:
1) Break up and keep our families in tact.
2) Stay together and forego my mother.
3) Stay together and forego his father.
4) Stay together and forego both sides. 

And no 1 choice is better than the other. Each has its own consequences and benefits. Of course we would love a 5th choice of "Stay together and keep our families" but the fact is that the option does not exist. 

Does the omission of that 1 perfect choice instantly call for pity? 

Cherhow and i sat down and discussed the 4 choices. After weighing the pros and cons, and whether we could live with ourselves when choosing each alternative, we decided to go through the break up.

We had 4 choices. That doesn't sound like a relationship that was victimized. 

Kudos to the interracial relationships that made it. I  have developed utmost respect for these people strong enough to make the latter 3 choices. 

As for me, im gonna limit my dates to only malays from now. Once bitten twice shy TTM.



Ps. Cherhow and I are still good friends :)

Seek Bromance
[info]hanisa
Recently watched this music video and it totally just changed my perception of guy friends. Watch it!

Ok so maybe im naive, but i was feeling so good during the first part of the video as it backed what i strongly believed in, platonic friendships. "brotherhood" with a girl. no strings attached. just real plain pure friendships. 

Which is what i feel for my guyfriends! Yes sure i may hug them, i may touch them, i may joke and laugh with them, but it all stops at friendship. cause theres completely no desire to make out, have sex, be more than just awesome friends. And i thought these kinda relationships do exist.

Cherhow has always called me stupid for trusting guys so much, but i mean not all guys are savage right? Not all guys will fuck a moving object right? I mean, guys can have best girlfriends and love her without any intention to fuck her right? 

The girl in the music video behaves like a slut i agree. But when you are with real friends, aren't u entitled to behave like a slut without being judged? without sending out an invitation for sex?

Im so affected cause i see myself in her. I do act inappropriately when im with my trusted guy friends cause i expect that nothing happens. I expect that they will love me regardless, and not look at me like a cheap skank. i expect them to protect me not exploit me. 

Its scary to see a what may happen when u put in too much trust.

Cherhow's 21st Birthday Wishlist
[info]hanisa
1) Iphone
2) Have sex with a sexy chiobu. (cant be me)
3) Ferrari
4) Grow taller
5) Downpayment for a BMW
6) Paris
7) Egypt
8) Be the boss of TransIsland
9) Eliminate all muslims
10) Be the president of Singapore
11) Jessica Alba
12) That I have sex with Sheikh Haikal
....
9099) That the 2 of us last forever.

Culture differences
[info]hanisa

Hi. Emo post along the way.

So cherhow is Chinese and I am Malay. And so far the rs has only involved the 2 of us. But as we get more serious, the rs includes more people. It includes our family, our friends, our race, our religion.

My family is not a traditional Malay family. We are purely English speaking, and we don't follow customs and traditions very strictly. In a way we are more westernized I guess. We still hold the need for ryespect for the elders, filial piety and so on so forth. But it's just not by the books.

Cherhows family is a Singaporean Chinese family. I have not encountered many Chinese families, so I can't tell where they stand in terms of tradition. They speak in mandarin and hokkien. And of course, the hold fast to their customs.

These few months I've learnt quite alot from my friends about the expectation of a girlfriend in Chinese families. Like I'm supposed to help cook and clean and be a maid. But thankfully, cherhows family has a maid so I din do much wrong there.

And now I know that I'm not supposed to wear red at a Chinese funeral. Learnt from mistakes this one, I was clueless so my first Chinese funeral I came with a huge red bag which I confidently placed on the table when I arrived. Truly a fml moment.

But everytime I realize I need to conform to his tradition, I think I die a little inside. I just feel so bitter and miserable.

Maybe it's because I'm not someone who follows the rules, even in my own family. And now the need to suck up to his is affecting me. I mean, my parents raised me since birth, I love them like no other, yet I don't follow what they expect of me. And now I'm supposed to follow the expectations of another set of parents strictly although they only came into my life erm a year ago?

And we are raised so differently. Yst his parents complained to him that when I go over, I just say a simple "Hello" and not "Hello aunty, hello uncle". And I really took that to heart. Because the way I was raised, hello is more than suffice.

If cherhow were to come over and just greet my parents with hello, nothing would be amiss. It's nothing abnormal, nothing rude, nothing to pinpoint. In fact, it would mean that he's being friendly instead of being polite, which in my family would be more real and more treasured.

But again, I can't change anything. It's a Chinese custom ( confirmed by Jolene) and I just gotta live with it if I want the rs to go on.

What I did not like though, was cherhows frustration when I seemed unwilling to get used to greeting his parents the way they want me to. He was like, "is it that difficult for u to just greet them?". It really doesn't help that he expects me to just jump into their culture. I don't want to.

This is only the beginning. There's gonna be lots more compromises that needs to be done, lots more misunderstandings, unhappiness and bitterness along the way. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can't turn back now.

I don't think cherhow will have as much trouble as me in trying to fit into the family, cause my family is not a demanding one. Ok my mum is, definitely. And that's the biggest challenge he would need to overcome.

But he's lucky in the sense that he doesn't have to change his inny gritty habits of his life. I had to fucking pick up a new language to not be so lost when I eat out with his family. And the last time I asked him to learn mine, he was totally against it, cause he said it won't be of use. :(

I'm sore. I'm very very sore about this. The whole culture differences, the need to change, the feeling of unequal efforts being invested.

If someone asked me if it's worthit, I'd say yes. Cause I'm in love.

If someone asked me if I wished cherhow was a malay, I'd scream yes. Cause things would be so much simpler.

I just wish there was an idiots guide to how to be a girlfriend in a chinese family. (and still hold fast to your own beliefs)

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